20+ truths about parenting they didn't tell you


I have 6 children and unlike more sane and rational women who have their children every few years, ours are spread out. There are 18 years between my oldest and youngest, yea, go ahead and chew on that one for a minute, college tuition and teething in the same household. When my oldest was born, during my 20's, I could have written everything I knew about parenting on a matchbook. Needless to say, I've learned a few things over the decades; here is an incomplete list of truths I have discovered about parenting.

  • You can gauge the health of your children by the color of their boogers
  • It's always nice to get kisses from your kids, it's the extra unidentifiable bits that come with the kisses that will throw you off
  • Never tell your children that you plan on quiet reading time after they go to bed, they will not go to bed
  • The longest distance between 2 points is when your toddler decides they want to walk by themselves
  • Your children will name inanimate objects and you will not only need to remember these names but you will need to call them by their name
  • Being a stay at home mom generally means the kids stay at home too
  • Shaving your legs every day is over rated
  • Routine showers are also over rated
  • Relax, a little candy and Sponge Bob will not destroy your child’s intellectual ability and it may buy you some personal time (see points 7 & 8)
  • Telling another mother that you need to go “potty” does not make you a freak, this is language exclusive to the club- along these lines, other mothers do not think you are mental if you point at a cow and moo while passing by
  • Unbeknownst to many, you not only deliver your baby but your short term memory escapes at the same time
  • Your attention span is the length of, oh hang on, the dryer just buzzed
  • Unconditional love comes naturally, especially when they are sleeping or at grandma’s
  • When mom’s care for their children it's called parenting, strangely though, dad’s babysit? Huh?
  • The baby gets fussy, grab a bottle, mommy gets fussy, grab the cork screw
  • Sometimes you just have to act like you didn't smell your childs dirty diaper as you pass them to dad
  • There are two areas of the grocery store that you avoid with your children, the cereal aisle and the checkout lane, unless you have already ripped open the box of Oreo’s to bribe them
  • There is no shame in bribing
  • Rejoice the day when you inform your children that you have broken the rules and must take a time out and they buy it, go sit quietly in the corner one minute for every year of your life- this rule gets better the older you get (hello 40+ minutes in timeout!)
  • Sharing your toothbrush is really not that disgusting
  • You can cook one handed with a baby on your hip- you just never guarantee the outcome
  • Fortune tellers read tea leaves, mothers read the contents of a diaper
  • It is perfectly normal to fantasize about all the things you'd do just to get 8 hours of sleep
  • If your friends on Facebook try to pretend that the crazy crap in this list doesn’t really happen in their perfect family, they are liars and you should un friend them

Without a doubt, children are the most exhausting job you will ever have, some days they will suck the life right out of you, leaving you drooling in the corner, convinced that they are secretly planning a coup. Until you experience it, it is almost too difficult to even comprehend the amount of sleep you will lose and the depths of exhaustion you will sink to. But there is nothing that will bring you as much joy as motherhood. The amount of love that your heart and soul are capable of feeling compensates for the insanity of it all.