Vulnerable, this is the word playing through my mind these days. I feel especially vulnerable when life feels a bit chaotic, or when change is on the horizon, even welcome change. Funny how welcome change can feel so disruptive? I’m not a stranger to change – change is my one constant <sorry, I could not resist the cliché>
You see there is one thing I have learned about myself over these four decades, no matter my circumstances, consciously or subconsciously I worked toward defining my center, my comfort zone, a balancing point. It is in this space that I am afforded the opportunity to exhale, to relax. When change occurs, this balancing point is disrupted, and shifted, leaving me scrambling to redefine center. Groping the edges of a new normal is always intimidating because it stretches me. No matter how many times I repeat this pattern, it’s always the same….fear of the unknown and relief to know that there was no reason to fear. I always redefine center….yet I never seem to develop enough faith in myself to trust this fact.
We’re heading to Alabama today for several days and leaving the babes behind. It will be interesting to see what comes of our trip. Despite my ideal childcare arrangements I have already begun to worry. What if they forget to brush their teeth? What if he doesn’t go potty before lights out? What if they don’t get that last hug in, you know the one designed to prolong the inevitable lights out…we all know they are postponing going to bed yet we all play along :)
My logical brain knows that any one or all of these things
being neglected for a couple of days will do no harm- that’s not what I worry
about. You see, it’s worrying about these small tasks, these tiny details, that comforts me during times of change. In fact,
worrying about these small, comforting details of our lives is what I do
well…worrying in general is something I am quite skilled at, I didn’t earn the
nickname “worry wart” in the 7th grade for nothing! I sometimes wonder if occupying my thoughts with these details of our days gives my mind something to wrap around, something to tie it up, take the focus off the changes swirling about... hmmm
It’s ok though, it is who I am, it is what I do, it is the one thing that is not likely to change. In fact I liken my relationship with worrying to that ancient conversation between the ocean and the land, it’s not going to end, it just ebbs and flows.